Kinda "funny"...in a strange, off kilt'rd world kinda way...(gotta have a "sick" kind of mentality, to find any "real" humor in it sorta way)...when I sit down and think about it...I have sometimes wondered ( to myself ).."what would it be like...if...I were dead?..."

I'm sometimes thinking..."damn!...the "fun" I coulda "played with, here"...if...it woulda happened...(Hummmph)...uh,er...let's say ..."a few years ago"....

I went down to the Plaza today...it's "Second Saturday" here in Ajo...a day when local "farmers" and local Artists set up their wares on the sunny, north side, promenade of  the Ajo town square...despite the chilly morning, there was a pretty good sized gathering of "locals" and newly returned "winterbirds" in presence...It was fun meeting "old" friends once again..I talked with friends ,and oft times, the conversation turned towards my current situation...they had "heard" about my latest escapade....some were heavily concerned....some kinda...uh, "lackadasic"...and some (like self)...try our damndest...to find a "joke" in it, somewhere...

I also let different ones in friends/circle know... "yeah, I need to stop fckin' round, and get "serious" with Art again...and that Wolfie is in need to get some cash brought in."

I don't think that I'll need to worry that deeply about what "might" happen in the short distance future...a number of assorted "art projects" in area getting ready to launch...I will, at least, be able to survive by staying here...I can "erk out" enough to cover "basic" bills...that's a damn good start...right?

also...right now...we're at da start"of SnowBird Season!...that's a "no-brainer"...I get ta painting pictures on canvas,...that they'll buy, again!....damn!...this is almost...too easy!

sigh...yeah!...this'll all "work"...

'cept....I can't get my fckin' Equallibrium back...enough to be able to even "focus" enough to work a pencil...let alone,...try ta stroke a brush...or...(damnnit!) climb a step ladder to paint the 3 murals awaiting!

I am getting "antsy"...I want...NEED to be working right now...I "need" to cover myself...don't want, nor desire "handouts".

The Calcium Citrate that I started 3 days ago, (in conjunction with the stopping of the Omeprazole) might actually "be something"...still way too early to tell for sure, but,...I've been "upright" and put in a full day...been up, now, over 12 hours "straight"...and haven't had, but....very "minute" episodes of the "dizziness",or "equalibrium, loss" so far.

that's really cool....My fingers are crossed...I'm half way to thinking..."well...perhaps....I'm not quite the "okay, let me die guy" as I'm sometimes thinking nowadays"....

sigh....

It gets "tiresome" sometimes....the frustrations...the anguishes ...the angsts...and the deep, deep, inner pains that we each...ALL of us... carry inside ourselves.

Sometimes,...under our "loads we snap"...

...various reasons...various ones of us..."opt out"

10 Years ago...this ol' Fart wound up in the Puget Sound V.A. hospital after a failed attempt at removing self from the pain and anguish of those around me...that I had caused/brought into their lifes

Silly thinking on my part...thinking that simply "removing myself" was anything more than the "coward's way" out...the "failure" turned into a 90 day stay in the Psych/PTSD wards in Seattle...

...simply because..."I was trying to be nice...for once...in my sorry, fckin' life"...

...sometimes, "Suicides" are trying to "repay" in the only way that they think they have left...the only way that is "truly theirs" to give...their Life...arrgh!..."should haves" ....are such a waste of thought...aren't they?

Part of Vet PTSD is mostly "Survivor Guilt"...we blame so many of our actions upon it...so many of our "failures"...because we came back alive...and fck'ed things up once Home....each time we screw "something" up here,( in what we used to call "the World")...we "transfigure" that in our minds...to those, oh!, so many years ago...when we were young lions, out for a cause...out for our tribe...out for our "Home"....to relate with.those that we somehow..."left behind"....

...and we only see "failure" on our part...that "other guy" fell...that "other guy" gave all...gave ALL!...for something that he "truly believed in!"....

why couldn't?...shouldn't?...every one of OUR lifes be the same???

We should ALL die...for something "heroic"...
...not some "simple sht" like..."self-pity"...or..."shame"...or..."guilt"....or...uh..."computer error"???

Why is "life" nowadays,...so utterly useless...ignored...fergotten???

...is it really..."that"...unvaluable?...any more?

I sit and wonder this sht, nowadays...I wonder "why?" I came "home" and Arnold Collins didn't...why did I...and Gary Shaw didn't? We were "same place/same time"...yet, here I am...so damned many years later...and where are they?....nothing more than a"memory"...and  the 2 POW/MIA braceletes I wear on my wrists.... I sit and stare at them...and wonder..."how much "better" a Husband?  Father?...Guidance Councilor?...Sign Painter?...Artist?...JackOff?... might "they" had been than I?...how much "less" of a Fck Up?

all "sht" where my mind has dwelt...these past (over 40) years now. All these years I have thought "dead"...all these years (sometimes) I have dreamed "dead"....all these years...I never "Knew Dead"...

uh...er....hrrumph...uh....until now.

I do not like...the sht going on right now...

I do not like the "easy dismissal" one gets when they "no longer exist" upon this "plain of reality"....

upon reflection, (of the conversation at my clinic yesterday)...that damned "receptionist" at the desk, where I checked in (same guy as 3 days before)..."knew" me...knew that I was the "dead" guy from Tuesday...(I wasn't "dead" to his computer, yet, back then)...yet, yesterday (Friday)...since I am "now" dead on his computer...he can't help me?

...'cause his computer "now"says that I am deceased?...even though I fckin' "standin' right, damn, in front of him?"...which I was!??!...

the "kinda funny" part of this whole, fckin' tirade...is...uh...fck it....sigh...just kinda makes me wonder...are any of us really "alive" anymore??...if the fckin' computer says that ya ain't???

Night, All!