Well, down here in usually sunny Ajo, Arizona...it isn't very "sunny" this morning...and Dang!...it isn't very "warm" neither...brrr...in fact, this ol' Fart is sitting here in ol' Wanderwolf, scratching hisself (uh, on the head) and trying to remember just where the hell did I stash that last pair of long pants ( that I think were still wearable) the last time I had them on last Spring???
Life in the "stupid (senile) lane" can get downright confusing sometimes...
I know a few of ya have missed my mental rantings and occasional snippets of "wisdom"; and might be wondering whatdahell happened....why'd I quit the blogging like I did?...well, to be honest with ya...
I became embarrassed with it...and felt extremely uncomfortable with the "notoriety" it seems that I was starting to garner. Without trying to sound "pompous" or "stuck up", I simply looked around and realized the growing size of the "audience" I was gathering...and it scared the shit out of me...hell, I have a "following"???...whadafck!
I know, this is the "internet"...I know, some folks totally "live" on this thing...I know that some folks become "famous" for their adventures (like my buddy George, or my friend Donna)...however, I never once thought that this ol' Dawg's ramblings would ever deserve, nor let alone, "attain" any kinda "following". I really only started this thing as a way for a few distant "friends and family" too keep up with my ventures and follies...seriously, the idea of anything "larger" never did enter my pea brain in the beginning.
yeah, in retro, I am a very naive person (despite all my braggings of manly self sufficiency)...
and as my "blogging world" (and my traveling world) expanded out, it was really cool...meeting different folks that I had either been reading,... or, sometimes even were "pen-pals" myself with.
...however, I still never "totally" grasped the truly startling "enormity" of what my "ramblings and mutterings" was actually stirring up in my wake...
...not, that is...until I "settled" here in Ajo for a while...not until I sat in "one spot" long enough...
It's one thing getting on this keyboard and sending "drunken spews out into the void of space"...and perhaps, provoking an evocative response back from someone waaay out there someplace else...there's an "anonymity" of sorts there that is "dealable" with...even "comfortable", perhaps.
I really do enjoy meeting new people through the internet...exchanging ideas, thoughts and even arguments is a strange form of "friendship" to me...a few of the dearest and closest friends I cherish in this life are folks that I first met on the internet.
However, down through this past year, or so,...I've become aware that I, my musings, travels, and thoughts, reach out much "further" than just the "circle of friendship" that I thought that it did...
People who are not "RVers" at all stop by...people who are not fellow artists (or buyers) stop by...people that sometimes "make me nervous" stop by...all simply people who read my blog.
People who just want to "meet me"....
uh, what's "that sht" about?
I'm a "nobody"...a little guy with nothing more than a "mediocre" talent (at best) for not being able to keep his damn mouth shut (or his fingers off a key board) when he's into his suds!
There's an idiot (hee hee, Hi, Joey) out there, who hitch hiked all the way down here from Maine, (fer Chriz Sakes!) over the Summer, to bring a 6-pack of PBR...and just drink it with me! I asked him where he was headed next...he said"back Home"...HUH??? I'd never met the guy before, never exchanged e-mail, no "comments" on the blog...nada...he just hikes in across the continent...into the 110 degree heat of the Sonora Desert no less...to only share a 6 pack (3 beers ea.) and then...turns around and goes home?
Seriously... Joe, ya make me nervous, Dude!...but Thanks! yours was an evening that I shall not forget anytime soon! Hope ya made it "back" safely, Bro...
There have been numerous "show up at door" meetings with readers,.. here at Lizard Flatz, since I started showing the art and blabbering about my life down here on the blog. I found/find them somehow "flattering", yet, at the same time...I feel very "unworthy" of such "out of the way" attention from anybody...as I've said...I'm just a nobody, little guy in this world...I've "failed" at 3 marriages, "failed" any attempts as a financial "success" I never attempted (hee hee), I'm of ill health, and ill tempered to boot...why the hell am I such a "tourist attraction"?
Over the Summer, realizing that it's all got nothing more to do with anything...than the blog...I froze up...couldn't find anything to write about except "anger"...anger at people for liking me, anger at self for my unworthiness of their friendship...anger just overwhelmed me...decided it would be better to just "stop" for awhile, rather than just spout nothing but venom continuously.
Welcome to the world of a VietNam Vet...and his "problem" with PTSD...
I thought that I was finally coming out of it...thought that I finally was, perhaps, becoming "normal" and could accept simple offers of friendship at face value...uh, I be wrong.
I still have a very "big" problem with anybody "liking me"...when it happens, I freak out...think them stupid...cuz...(and here's the kicker)...IF they really knew the "real me", the animal inside that did that sht all those years ago in Viet Nam...they simply would have to loath this sorry azz as much as I still do myself. If they knew the pain that I've caused so many souls down thru the years since...the pain I caused my families, my ex wives, and children...
sigh...
Joey, the guy from Maine, was/is another old Viet Nam Vet...and yeah, he hitched clear down here just to share a brew...and let me know that I'm not the only one of us that "knows" the sht that we do about ourselves. Told me he's been reading my blog almost from the start, and that he "relates"...told me that he's exactly the same way...only he "hides" up in the swamps of Maine.
My heart aches so damned badly for all these "new" Vets coming Home...my eyes fill up with tears as I envision all the pain they bring with them that will inevitably be shared with so damned many others...
the sht has simply got to end!
daWolf is Back!...ya'll try and have a Great Day...ya hear?
SS Rides Again
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Adventure Location: Big Bend NP, Texas
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9 comments:
Well, you at least have one redeamming quality Michael. Your heart aches for the new returning Vets. So surely you are not "all bad". How's your bottle wall coming? I thought that was so pretty. It's nice to read your posts again. Maybe you'll start posting pics again too. Linda
people listen Mike, 'cause you're real.
You don't get on here and talk about your freakin' socks or what color your new underwear is. You put LIFE in your words... and the agony that some have to wade through... just to live...
...and for the ones who value your words... that you keep on, means THEY can TOO.
Maybe you aren't some shiny, sweet talkin', know the right damn fork "Gentle Man"... but... you are REAL. You've been into, and came home from something that would have consumed most here. Hell, you've carried for more than 40 years a burden most couldn't lift for 12 minutes. You've carried it... like a lot have. With Honor. One day at a time. One step at a time. Never giving up. Never quitting... just, one foot in front of the other... so... If you trip once in a while, if you fall? struggling under the weight of what a soldier carries... and "They" rip on you for it? F_ _K 'em. You, always, get back up. They couldn't even LIFT what our brothers carry... And carry, the greatest amount of the time time, without complaint.
I know you wonder... but know this... your words, thrown out there to the winds... keep the light on for a lot of people, you'll never even ever meet.
It's a good thing Mike
I often weep for my brothers and sisters in arms, for the waste of warriors. People who honorably shoulder a great responsibility, thrown by self-seeking and irresponsible people into harms way.
I am a Vietnam Era Vet. For those who don't know the distinction, I served during Vietnam but was not sent to Vietnam. Yet I served with a multitude of soldiers who had survived that war.
Since that time I also served twenty years as a correctional officer in a county jail. Twenty years in a combat situation, walking the tiers with felons. Murderers, rapists, child molesters. I obtained internal (and some physical) scars that let me relate to our broken warriors.
I DO NOT know the trauma of war. Yet I have enough experiences of a similar vein to relate, and to a degree understand. We can't touch the rich bastard fat cat Wall Street Pirates and their political whores who use and abuse our warriors, but survival can be a genuine revenge.
Live well, Mike. You will never be "normal." Neither will I. We have been broken in the service of a people who will seldom understand. In a lot of ways we have defended the liberty of a people to be dicks and idiots. We similarly defended the freedom of those many who do good.
Thanks, Mike. Keep sharing. Keep creating. Live well, my brother.
Thanks guys,..sometimes we (Vets) tend to "ferget" that there are "others of us" out side of ourselves who do actually understand and are actually going thru the same doubts, fears, loneliness, and sorrows...also experiencing the same angst and angers...also becoming as "self-absorbed" and "soul searching" as we do as individuals in this crazy azzed world. The sorrows get very heavy to burden sometimes, that's for sure...but quit?...give the fck up and take the "easy way" out??...no fckin' way!
Linda, Hi!...welcome to the Party, Hon!...been "busy" creating some "public art" pieces this past few months that are scattered around Ajo...soon as I "replace" my worn out camera (it no longer seems to work) I'll be posting some pics to share...haven't gotten back to the "bottle wall" quite yet, however, it is in the schedule to be gotten back to sometime this next month, or so(got to, all the "donated" bottles have overflowed the storage shed and are giving this place the appearance of a hard core "party central"...hee hee)...
Mike, hows the book coming? finished it yet? I'm still interested in possibly doing the cover for you...
Welcome Back! I read your blog and enjoy it because you are real. We also share a common denominator as well as ideas. I do value your words because they make me think. I look forward to reading the words of a plain spoken man again. Keep on blogging.
HEY. The internet isn't such a bad place to meet people!! I resemble your remarks.
And stop putting yourself down about your artistry skills. You sound like me.
I'm glad yer back.
Much love.
All I can tell you is that I love you, Michael. You will forever hold a special spot in my heart. Glad to see you rising back up from the shallows.
Hey Mike...we are camped on |Darby Wells Rd...... coming into Ajo to do laundry this week.
Kelly
The Bayfield Bunch
Mike, the book is done. Indeed, it has turned into a series and I have finished three books so far. In order to get them published (self-published through Barnes and Noble Pubit) I went quick-and-dirty on my covers and just did a simple Microsoft Paint Tombstone style cover.
Eventually I will update and upgrade, and a quality cover will be needed. My books currently are available only in ebook form, and only through Barnes and Noble online.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/michael-lockridge?store=ALLPRODUCTS&keyword=michael+lockridge
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